A 1950's Housewife Fail.

The following is an excerpt from  what was thought to be a 1950's American High School Home Economics Book. It comes from an essay entitled, "How To Be A Good Wife," and is intended as an instruction manual of sorts for high school girls as they prepare for married life. 

After much (albeit half-assed Googling) research, it looks as if the text originally circulated in the late 1800's but was mocked-up again and re-circulated as a flyer for Women's Equality in the mid-1970's. In any case, I find it wildly amusing and had to share. Who knew it only took the following 10 steps to achieve domestic bliss? You could have fooled me, that's for sure. 

Since I now pride myself on my newly chosen career as a Stay-At-Home-Mom, this post wouldn't be a true I Love You More Than Carrots original if I didn't include my two-cents.

1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Okay, I'll admit. Some days I feel like this is the least that I could do for The Husband since he's the one working outside of the home all day, busting his chops to bring home the bacon. However, have you tried doing anything with a baby? Yeah. Thought so. Near impossible. So, I would say this happens about 85% of the time. The other 15% of the time? A simple, "Babe, I'm thinking about you," ought to suffice. And on the rare occasion that it doesn't? Thank god for carry-out and God's gift to women, the Crock-Pot. 

2. Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you are refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Make-up? Ribbon? Husband, you're lucky if I get a shower in that day. As for interesting? Don't even start with me. I'm always interesting.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house. Gather up books, toys and newspapers. Dust the tables so that they appear clean. Your husband will feel that he has reached his haven and rest and order. Doing this for him will give you a lift also.

A "lift" you say? I prefer to lift up the cushions of the couch and stuff Carter's toys in there where you can't see them. Then it just looks as if I've spent the previous 45 minutes "tidying up," when in reality, I was probably feeding Carter, corralling Sheepie and watching Real Housewives marathons on Bravo. C'mon. I know you do it, too.

4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash their faces and hands. Comb their hair and change their clothes if it is necessary to make them look presentable to him. They are "God's creatures" and your husband would like to see them playing their part.

Haha. Right. Just the other day I spilled an entire bowl of pureed carrots all over Sullivan, the floors, the oven, the fridge and the entire lower cabinetry of the kitchen. Do you know how long Sully walked around covered in carrots? Let's just say it was over an hour. I have a hard enough time keeping the dog clean, let alone my child.

(Edited to add: Sullivan is Sheepie's real name. Apparently there has been some confusion over this, as pointed out by "Krishna" and the nasty comment she decided to leave about stealing blog content and leaving the original writer's son's name in #4. Sullivan is in fact, not the name of the original writer's son, as I am the original writer and my son's name is Carter. My dog's name, however, is Sullivan and that is who I am referring to here.)

 

5. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all the noises of the washer, dryer, dishwasher and vacuum. You've had plenty of time to do these things during the day. Don't do them now. Encourage your children to be quiet.

Wait, how am I supposed to cook, clean AND feed you, Dear Husband without the help of my best friends: the Washer, Dryer and Dishwasher? A life without those besties would be no life at all. As a matter of fact, I think I've had nightmares about that sort of life. As for keeping Carter quiet, have you ever tried to silence The Screamies? I'll be the first to tell you it's impossible.

6. Be happy to see your husband. Greet him with a warm smile. Do not greet your husband with problems or complaints. Don't complain when he is late for dinner. Count this as minor when compared to what he had to go through all day.

Guilty as charged. Housewife fail. In my defense, at least I let him loosen his tie and drop his suitcase before I launch into my tirade of, "it's7:30whyareyouhomesolate?youhaveababyandawifeandican'teatdinnerat8pmeverynight!"

7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest that he lie down a few minutes in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Wait, what about me? Where's my drink? Oh, wait. Does that glass of Chardonnay that I downed at 4:00pm count? Shucks.

8. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him speak first. Make the evening his. He is special!

There isn't a notebook large enough to keep track of all the things I need to tell The Husband the minute he walks in the door. If I don't get it all out then, when am I supposed to tell him about the fence that needs fixing? Or the the fact that we've been living in our house for over a year and we STILL don't have a dining room table? Maybe I'll just save it for the minute we hop into bed.

9. Never complain that he does not take you out to dinner or to other pleasant entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to unwind and relax. Remember that you relaxed all day waiting for his return. Now it's his turn to enjoy what you enjoyed.

If by "relaxed" you mean, "ran the dryer seven times in an attempt to remove the wrinkles from the laundry that has sat in there for four days, threw a myriad of ingredients into the Crock Pot hoping to God it all comes together in the form of a delicious dinner, played Musical Baby Equipment with every single swing, chair, bouncer, book and walker this side of the Mississippi in order to captivate your 7 month old's ever-changing attention, walked the dog, emptied the dishwasher, loaded the dishwasher, hand washed 47 bottles and changed the crib sheets for 478th time?" Why then yes, I did relax all day and you're right. Husband, it's YOUR turn.

10. The goal: Try to make his home a place of peace and order, a place where your husband can relax in body and spirit.

Deal. Our home can be your haven, Husband. Now, how about you take Carter for the weekend while I jet off to Wine Country my haven?

Of note: By now you should know better than to take me seriously. I'm only mostly okay, half joking! Happy Monday, Loyals! Hope this starts your week off with a hardy chuckle!