A Toast (Er, Roast) To The Next Jersey Housewife.

My brother-in-law married his beautiful and fabulous fiancee this past weekend in New Jersey. Not only is she his new wife, but she's also a very close friend of mine. What intially brought us together, I believe, was the sheer fact that yet another M brother found true love in a yet another North Jersey girl. (And if you think that's funny, wait until 2012 when the youngest M brother marries one of my most favorite people in the whole wide world, yes, you guessed it, his North Jersey fiancee).

Wait, it gets better.

Not only are the three of us women all from North Jersey, but we all grew up within 10 miles of each other and two of us even attended the same all-girl Catholic high school. Now if that isn't fate, I don't know what is. Just some more proof that great things really do come out of New Jersey. (I may or may not have done a little fist pump after typing that sentence).

Although he wasn't the best man, my husband also gave a short speech at his brother's wedding. Don't worry, honey. In my eyes, you ARE the best man. And because I can't go without blogging anything funny that my husband says, I knew I had to share with you his speech. It's all about how to live with your new New Jersey wife. His speech received rave reviews. I knew it would. Although, many guests came up to me afterwards and said, "didn't you take offense to any of that?" And after congratulating him and patting him on the back, many people said to my husband, "I bet your wife is really mad you said that!" And the truth is? Of course I'm not! Although it's a true reflection of our life (Maryland meets New Jersey), I looked as it as just how wonderful and loving my husband truly is. Oh, did I mention funny? Because he's hilairous. And he's such a good listener...  



When I asked him to send me his speech, I also asked him if he was ready for his 15 minutes of fame. (My thoughts are italicized).


Congratulations (blah, blah blah…),

I would like to thank the parents, family and friends here today – This truly is a special day (blah, blah, blah.. moving onto the good parts…)

Now, as the best man, it was Joe’s job to embarrass the groom and welcome the bride… as the older brother, it is my job to prepare you for your new life with a Jersey bride. So here is a quick list of things you two will need to buy, pick-up, avoid, forget about, hide, and never forget – but mostly just buy…


• Never forget to tell each other “I love you” – this applies multiple times a day for a Jersey girl. And if you've forgotten, don't worry. She'll let you know.


• Buy the ‘NFL ticket on Direct TV’ – this will save you the embarrassment of having to wear those ‘his & hers’ Jets jerseys to the bar. (He’s a Ravens fan, she, a jets fan. Talk about an inter-faith marriage...)


• Pick-up bagels every time you are in NJ – they make that 4hour trip worth it!


• Avoid all shopping malls, shoe stores, and any place that may contain the word “outlet”


• Forget about any solo weekend road trips or bar hopping nights out – I have found that New Jersey wives don’t really appreciate sleeping on someone else's floor.


• Hide your favorite ‘lucky’ pair of boxers, sweatpants, or other ‘slap-the-goon’ t-shirts – these tend to mysteriously disappear when Jersey wives do laundry. (I blame the dryer).


• Never forget to travel together – as those trips will bring great memories


• Buy a DVR – this will ensure you never have to sit through Grey Anatomy or The Hills.


• Now Hide the DVR – it only encourages large backlogs of Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious, Real Housewives, and Gossip Girl.


• Avoid riding in the passenger seat – especially when in the state of NJ.


• Buy a dog – never mind - get a puppy – that experience will surely build your marriage (and future parenting) teamwork skills!


• Forget about Facebook – if you use it now you won’t need it after today – your Jersey wife will ensure all of your social media tags, friending, status updates, and whereabouts or comical responses are logged almost immediately in cyberspace. (he forgot to mention blogging....)


• Never forget a birthday or anniversary – and if you do call David Yurman (I've trained him so well..)


• Pick-up flowers every now and then on your way home from work – any dozen will do.


• Hide some ‘emergency’ cash for the inevitable ‘honey, I (fill in the blank) with the car‘


• Avoid leaving said cash lying around (Oops. You mean that extra fifty wasn't for new shoes?)

• And lastly but not least, never forget the happiness that each one of you feels today. Your friends and family love you very much!


A toast to the new Mr. and Mrs!

Just a little funny for your Thursday!